i made the mistake of making my significant other the center point of my life.
she became my obsession.
i suppose i no longer viewed her as just important.
she was my important possession.
i began having more and more anxious panic attacks.
the smallest things were now clues as to how she betraying me.
i was slowly pile driving myself into madness.
taking rational things and making them irrational.
i suppose her crazed exboyfriend didn't make anything better.
he went on like they had never broken up.
on some social site.
she deleted hers, he continued on anyways.
even after a thrashing from her lips.
verbal dominance can have no effect on the insane.
why did i keep checking that damn site?
i was an ass.
a foolish ass.
i have this rule in my personal dating protocols and procedures...
always trust your partner.
always.
even if they speak lies behind you.
love is trusting them with the ability to hurt you and trusting them not to.
but i chose otherwise.
i didn't trust her.
a big spit in the face, looking back.
a big fuck you very much for all of the kindness she had shown me.
she liked me and had the guts to admit it.
not many girls can admit at the end of the day.
that i was more good than bad.
maybe i'm full of myself.
well, you'll never know, will you?
i mean unless we ever met.
me, author. you, reader.
anyways, she had done so much for me and i decided that i didn't want to trust her.
i wish i had known certain things.
like her exboyfriend being... the way he is.
i almost became him.
i may have even...
i did for a short time.
a short time too much.
i shouldn't have mingled there at all.
for it was hell, and those who choose to stay are truly evil.
i got to experience first hand how locked into a sort of dementia he is/was...
recently i decided i wanted to buy a custom item, and i wanted design input from her.
i messaged her early one morning.
little did i know, he had hacked her account.
he responded as she would have... at first.
then he/she started bringing himself/her exboyfriend up.
at first...
[crushed heart] [anger] [calm down] [be there for her]
i accepted that she might still love him.
began doing the friend thing, offering advice and feedback.
then...
he/she started expressing how we (her and i) were nothing.
and her heart, soul, and body belonged to him.
the more the conversation dragged on...
i realized.
oh what a jester i have been.
she would never mention the person we are talking about by name every. other. line.
so i contacted her...
fast forward>>>
he had gone through all of that trouble to mess with her life.
again.
it was not the first time this had happened.
i helped her resecure everything and bump up security for her personal things.
<<<back to mistakes
along with not trusting, it would seem that i put her on trial more and more.
without even noticing it.
i broke many, many of my own rules during this time...
i even knew that i was breaking us further and further, but i still persisted.
trying and trying to gain understanding (in my foolish mind) of everything.
ever try digesting an encyclopedia brittanica?
no, of course not asshole. that's a big ass book.
it would never fit in your stomach.
let alone go down your throat.
exactly my point.
i went mad(der) trying to grasp every detail of my relationship with her.
some shit... it just doesn't matter.
imagine stacks of paper on a lawyer's desk.
because fuck you.
that's why.
a stack of papers with the label, 'shit that matters'.
another stack labeled, 'shit that doesn't matter'.
one more stack that has the label, 'shit that exists through mistrust'.
now.
assuming the ceiling is 10 feet above the nice carpet in this asshole's office...
and the stacks are each 4 feet high...
pretty ridiculous, right?
get a filing cabinet mcdickenstein.
oh yeah.
okay. the distance between the floor and the ceiling is the relationship.
how much room between is space to breathe and relax or whatever.
you have that stack of important shit, you got about 6 feet to breathe.
6/10 feet of free space? fuck yeah.
add another stack.
you're down to 2 feet... ugh.
this isn't as awesome as i remember previously.
wait, what? where did all of this shit come from?
oh yeah. we included shit that doesn't matter.
as a point of obsession, this tends to happen.
too often.
now. for the tricky part.
let's try to just add that last stack.
it'll fit.
what?
it doesn't fit?
the stack just cracked an 8x11 hole into the stucco ceiling?
fuck.
we're fired.
and by fired, i mean single.
it'd be different if it were ceiling tiles, but our lady is a classy lady.
this is a lawyer's office, not a public school classroom.
we got standards.
solid roof, bitch.
with unimportant shit, on top of mistrust...
the relationship just kind of falls apart.
bam. you've destroyed yourself.
now it would seem that this girl has been amazing enough...
to allot (give; read a dictionary) me another chance.
maybe it's because we are meant to be.
i mean this, i can't connect with other girls like i connect to her.
maybe it's because i've known her...
either way.
meant to be or not, doesn't mean i get to fuck up an unlimited amount of times.
i need to watch myself.
as to not become an obsessive, anxious asshole...
i need to treat her as an addition to my life, and not the center of my existance.
it's so hard though.
why would you focus on anything besides the perfection in your life?
it's like...
you're at a toy store, and you decide to file your taxes instead of browsing the selection.
are you fuckin' daft, mate?
it's tough.
but i have to do it this time.
isn't it funny?
you are granted life and fear death naturally, but once you meet that person...
all you want is to be able to end your life with them beside you?
old age and what not.
it seems normal from our point of view, but to the outsider walking down the street...
you're a fucking nut.
get back in your tree, you nut.
we should never know the answer to life.
nobody should have that power.
to know the answer to life...
is to end it's purpose.
i'm going to stop now, before i paradox my fucking brain and it implodes.
goodnight.
merry christmas, or whatever, fucking cunts.
